There Are No Words

On Sunday night I posted the worst update I have ever shared, and likely will ever share, on social media.  The caption read, “May 1st, the day my heart officially broke.  Our baby girls were born too soon and while we know Charlotte and Grace are now in heaven there really are no words.” It was impossible to write and really says it all. 

Since sharing I want to say thank you for all of the sympathy, kind words, and touching messages. Please know that I’m reading them but responding can be overwhelming so don’t be offended if I don’t reply.

And while I don’t feel like I owe anyone an explanation as to what happened or feel that I need to give answers to the multitude of questions I have found that talking about it face-to-face, or even typing out individual messages, is extremely painful.  While still not ideal, cutting-and-pasting text or sending this blog link is less painful. At the end of the day though there really are no words. Both Mark and I are insanely grateful to be supported by such a strong network of friends, family, colleagues, and medical professions but as one doctor said, there is no right way to grieve.

Sometimes thinking about it helps and other times, it doesn’t. Sometimes I want to speak about it and a minute later, it becomes the worst topic imaginable. Bereavement is weird.  At certain moments I have found myself wanting to discuss the heavy details and other times I just want to chat about a very odd detail – like when my wrists were bruising from all of the blood draws and I couldn’t carry anything.  The bruising was such minor element in the scheme of things but at that moment, that is what was okay to speak about.

I still can’t come up with a good answer to “how are you?” or “are you okay?” I’m just taking it day by day. I’ll start sharing more of life both on social media and here on the blog when it feels right but I’m not sure when that will be. You may have noticed this month there have been a few posts on general fashion topics because that is what I felt like writing about and it was a nice distraction.

One of the biggest things that is constantly on my mind, our baby girls were perfect. They didn’t deserve this.  And why this happened – to us, to them – is not something I think I will ever be able to understand. Some people have reached out and asked for medical details about their birth which in my mind is very personal and is not something I am willing to share at this time.

Soon after I posted on Instagram I got a text from my soon to be sister-in-law which said, “so brave of you to share such intimate heart break.”  When posting I did not consider myself brave but did it for two reasons – one to stop the messages like “you have not been posting, hope you and the girls are okay”.  These were like a knife to the heart every time I read one even though I know people meant well and had no idea what was going on. And the second reason was to share because it is a taboo topic people don’t speak about.  I have been shocked and saddened by how many people have reached out and told me about how they have gone through similar situations.  In a conversation with a girl I had not spoken to since high school we likened it to the worst club you never want to be a part of.

So to wrap up this rambling, no, I am not okay.  And for now, that’s okay.  One of the most accurate pieces of advice I’ve been given is that the pain is never going to go away (something you should not tell someone in this situation, just an FYI) but that over time my tolerance is going to go up.   And at this moment it is still so raw and fresh that that possibility seems like it will never happen but it is the best way I have rationalized it and how I continue on.

Thank you again for all of the love and I will see you when I see you, taking it day by day.