How Not to Ride the Subway

Fashion week begins on Thursday and NYC is going to explode.  With my new job I am not sure how many events I will be able to attend over the next 10 days, especially as I am home sick today with my tissues my company, but I will see if I can squeeze in a few.  TimeHop reminded me that this time last year I was hobbling around the city on crutches and missed fashion week entirely except for a few fights with stilettoed girls over cabs.  This time around, at least, I will have the subway to get to and from.

I have an unlimited subway card which means that I can ride the subway and/or bus as many times as I want in a month. This lovely little piece of paper sets me back $112 per month which means you need to ride the subway at least 45 times per month to make it worth it.  Guess what? I take at least 60 trips per month and I would say that makes me an expert. And as an expert there are nine things you can do that will be sure to tick off every native New Yorker.  If you are in town this week or next, here are my tips on how not to ride the subway:  

Stop in the turnstile – Do not approach the subway turnstile unless you have your Metro Card in your hand, ready to swipe. NO ONE has the patience for you to stop in the opening to dig through your bag for 30 seconds. Especially at rush hour.

Look ma, no hands – Maybe while the training is moving at a steady pace between stations you can stand erect without holding on to anything but as it slows or speeds up you are going to loose your balance and fall in to me. Suck it up and hold on somewhere.

Eat – If you are standing in the subway car the chances are you have touched at least seven things – handrails, the turnstile, the doors or the stairs – and not only is it not sanitary it is the biggest faux pas and sure to label you as a tourist. 

Put your backpack on the seat – There are not enough seats – move your bag and let someone else sit. 

Leave Your Trash in the car –  No one wants to see it, smell it, step in it, or avoid it – there are enough perils as is, don’t add more. 

Stay cemented to the seat – Get the heck up for the elderly or pregnant. Alternately, if there is a new mom struggling with a newborn and a toddler be courteous and offer her your seat, she needs it more than you do. 

Make small talk – Asking for directions is one thing, but striking up a conversation with a stranger in the subway? I have seen it happen a few times and every time it has crashed and burned. On the subway, keep to yourself. 

Play your music on speaker – It is one thing if you have your head phones on and you are blaring your music so loud I can hear it, but is completely different if you are just holding your bedazzled side kick using the speaker to blast the dirty and explicit rap music to the entire car. 

Manspreading I have seen this for years but only recently learned the name for guys take up too much room on the subway. Don’t believe? Here is an image from the New York’s Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA’s) new advertising campaign to stop manspreading. 

I am sick and can’t think of a witty ending to this post. That is all.